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Aug. 25th, 2009 06:00 pm Going with the flow

It's been almost 10 months now since she's come back into my life. I knew her in my thirties and into my early forties. I'm 54 now, she's 40. Every so often I'd search for her on-line, never really expecting to find her. I missed her so much!!! You never know the last time you'll ever see someone, be it a family member or friend. I knew that night it was goodbye, but until after the most amazing hug of my life, I didn't realize just how final it might be. I kept going back to places I knew she used to be, knowing I'd never see her there. During the months and years ahead I hoped to see her just once more, to talk over old times, to hear her voice again and to look into her eyes. We were never a thing; she was just too beautiful, I was too shy. She was a good talker, I was a good listener. She was a shiny star, and her light and warmth lit my soul. After coming to a dead-end in my life, I searched for her again. To my surprise, to my delight, I actually found her!! Our first e-mails were just so amazing, she matched and surpassed me in her writing and length of e-mails. I was beside myself wanting to see her again. I couldn't believe my luck, it was one of the most joyful moments of my life.

To make a very long story short, she was in a bad marriage, she wanted out for many years but didn't know how. They had already done the separation thing a couple times, then back together again, then just a period of being numb to it all. They had 2 children together, 2 boys under 12.
We met for lunch or met at the mall several times (seeing her again for the first time was out of this world!!!). We continued to write, talk on the phone and met here and there. One day she told me she was packing up and moving out, and that's what she did! She didn't leave because of me or any romance between us, although maybe it was comforting that she had a supportive friend.
She deserved so much more than a dead-end loveless marriage.

Fast forward to now. I had hoped for a spark between us, something more than just best-buds as she put it. I put my heart on the line and told her I loved her, told her how much she meant to me. I also showed her that love, put that word into action, but some things are never meant to be I guess. I also knew, still know, that going through a divorce is a trying time. So after some tears and reconfigurations of our friendship, I feel on solid ground with her being a good friend again. I can't help wanting more, but for now I'm just happy we're such good friends.

I just had the most amazing day with her and her boys. She is such an amazing mother. I'm finding out too, that maybe I could be a somewhat good step-father (not that I am). I'm trying my best to just go with the flow, to take in all the laughter between us, to be grateful for each extra day with her. Who knows what may happen, but maybe once a friend, always a friend. All I know, is that I'm for the most part happy. There are days I ache for more, I've lived single all my life and it would be nice to know what being a couple was like. I want to love her and be loved back. Isn't it something that I hoped for just a few more minutes with her and now those minutes have turned into days and I still want more. I wish I knew how to win her heart and not lose this amazing friendship.


Sep. 19th, 2008 09:06 pm Running Blind

I met a most amazing girl several months ago. At first it was just small talk, but lately I find myself falling for her. Every time we meet, I get to know a bit more about her, I'm thoroughly caught up in who she is at heart. I like getting to know people deep down, what makes them happy and sad, what brings them to the edge of tears or what lights their world on fire. I'm still getting to know her, I'm not even sure how real any of this is. I want it to be real. That's the understatement of my life!

Realistically I'm too old for her, but I've read where things like this can work, or maybe I'm deluding myself? My head warns me to not fall too fast or too hard. It's just I've never encountered anyone like her, I want to devour her, but hold back because of previous heartbreaks. I suppose the saying "Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth" rings so true in this case, I'll just have to take my chances, even if it's no chance at all. I don't want there to be any drama, only truth and love and enjoyment of every second I have with her.

As I look into her beautiful eyes, I want to love her forever, but also to let her go, to go on whatever path she chooses for herself. She's not mine to have, only to love. I want to be conscious of my time with her. My daydream, my dream, my everything and everyone I've ever wanted is real. When she sits next to me and we talk, I want to be there and hear her voice, hear her words. When her hand touches mine, I want to accept that simple gift and not think of all the moments I've had without her. I dream of kissing her, but I'm not sure if that will ever happen. I feel as if I'm living my dream every time I'm with her. I want to jump & dance, to lick her up and down like a puppy-dog who has spent the day alone. I want her to feel happy to see me, to know how much I care, to know how much she is loved and wanted. I want her to be happy, to make her laugh, to help her find that place in this world where work and love and life live in harmony.

I'm running blind into an abyss of heaven or hell. I guess you can't have one without the other, but heaven would be nice for a change.

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Jul. 23rd, 2007 04:26 pm Epuron


Jun. 21st, 2007 06:25 pm

I met a woman about 2 years ago.

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Current Mood: rejectedrejected


Dec. 31st, 2006 10:51 am

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

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Sep. 9th, 2006 09:10 pm Falling Water

I took my vacation the week of Labor Day, went on a road trip by myself. Stayed overnight in downtown Chicago, met a local artist there that I've been e-mailing, it was fun to meet her. From there it was

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Mar. 18th, 2006 10:04 am Akron

I just got back from a road-trip to Colorado and wanted to write while my mind is still fresh. My Aunt Hazel died, aged 77. She was the youngest child, my mother and her twin the oldest, a boy in the middle. All gone now, their spirits lingered in this town frozen in time. Akron is in eastern Colorado, flat land more like Kansas and Nebraska, wheat fields and cattle and tumbleweeds.

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Feb. 5th, 2006 09:28 pm

It seems like a lifetime ago since I made a journal entry. Since that time my life has turned on a dime and now it's turned back again to the same old, same old. I fell in love, fell in lust, had a crush on someone I admired and desired for many years. I messed it up badly but it turns out I didn't have a snowballs chance in hell. She was just being nice to me and I took it as interest. I have so few interactions with women that I over-read things when I do meet someone. I laid it all on the line, so for once I have no regrets there. It's just that right now there is this big void in front of me where before I saw a future, had hope of someone to send a valentine to.

Even though this has been a winter with little snow here (so far), I managed to build a snowman for the first time in umpteen years. That was uber fun, I recommend it to anyone "feeling" old. I wrote a little story for the local newspaper and had many postive comments from the locals and people at work. I want to be this man I see in my head (writer, photographer, metal sculptor, lover, craftman), yet I am stuck in the fear of never having a lover. I'm old enough to know better, that the time for excuses is quickly running out. I want one magical night with a woman who makes my heart race and then I'll go on my merry way. A stripper once laughed at me when I told her I had never slept with a women, well I said it in a joking way but then the pain came up and I had to walk away so she wouldn't see the tears.

I had a taste of being alive the last four months of 2005, I'm not sure what will happen in 2006 but I want more from myself, more from life than frozen pizza, reruns of Friends & This Old House, looking but never touching, making promises I never keep.

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Jul. 29th, 2005 10:56 pm Meeting Amanda

I met someone who I had that instant connection feeling with. It wasn't at the grocery store or laundromat, not a night class either, I didn't bump into her at Barnes & Noble in the design section or at church (like I even remember the last time I went to church). It was at my new favorite strip club in the Valley. The longer I go to these clubs and the older I get, the more awkward it is to talk to younger women. Her name is Amanda, overall I'd describe her as a tall sexy brunette with a voice that makes you fall in love with her. She's a party girl and sweetheart combined, very easy to talk to.

I can only take so much being alone and then I just have to seek out someone to talk to, maybe even have a crush on. She told me she has a boyfriend, a "good guy" as she put it, plus I'm like a gazillion years older than her so I really didn't have any illusions of anything happening but it did . . . sorta, in an innocent sorta way.

After the first night I met her my energy started flowing and I wrote her a little story called "Meeting Amanda".

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Jan. 30th, 2005 08:40 pm

Another gray winter day, I was hoping for a bit of sun as promised by the weatherman a few days ago. My energy level is zip, waiting for a corner to turn up ahead.

This weekend is about windows and facing getting older, older than I want to be, I've missed so much already. I'm so serious and scared of living, yet I still hope for good things ahead, I just don't know what will be the catalyst.

Not much else to say.

Door Step

A new day

New air

Scented sweet with possibility


yesterday is swept away


has no meaning

Seeing life in

s l o w m o t i o n

Drinking from the well

of love

within us all

I step out


I am


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